Fraudulent

I feel like a fraud today. My husband and kids, and bestest friends all think it's wonderful that I am going back to school and that I am maintaining a decent grade point average. 

I think it's a joke. I think I am a fraud. 

My classes are easy, except when they make no sense what so over.

My Medical Terminology class is fun, but the tests and quizzes are open book and I feel like there is no reason at all that anyone fully in possession of all of their faculties cannot maintain at least a 3.5 in that class. Show up, do the work, take the OPEN BOOK tests, get a good grade. That's it. 

My other class either makes no sense at all, or is clear as a bell. (Psych 100). It's like the book work and the lectures are 2 different classes. Ugh. I enjoy the lectures, but the book is made of butter: my eyes just slide right off the page. And all the tests are based on the book that I cannot read.

I feel like they all see me as doing this great and wonderful thing, and I feel like I am just... treading water, trying to keep my head up. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

But I am drowning and no one can see me. I am drowning and they are cheering. I am suffocating and cannot breathe and screaming for help and I'm getting "Wow! Look at you go!"

I'm not going. I am letting the current take me where it will and I am terrified. 

And most of all I am terrified they will find out what a fraud I am. Thankfully, no one reads this blog.