Fraudulent

I feel like a fraud today. My husband and kids, and bestest friends all think it's wonderful that I am going back to school and that I am maintaining a decent grade point average. 

I think it's a joke. I think I am a fraud. 

My classes are easy, except when they make no sense what so over.

My Medical Terminology class is fun, but the tests and quizzes are open book and I feel like there is no reason at all that anyone fully in possession of all of their faculties cannot maintain at least a 3.5 in that class. Show up, do the work, take the OPEN BOOK tests, get a good grade. That's it. 

My other class either makes no sense at all, or is clear as a bell. (Psych 100). It's like the book work and the lectures are 2 different classes. Ugh. I enjoy the lectures, but the book is made of butter: my eyes just slide right off the page. And all the tests are based on the book that I cannot read.

I feel like they all see me as doing this great and wonderful thing, and I feel like I am just... treading water, trying to keep my head up. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming....

But I am drowning and no one can see me. I am drowning and they are cheering. I am suffocating and cannot breathe and screaming for help and I'm getting "Wow! Look at you go!"

I'm not going. I am letting the current take me where it will and I am terrified. 

And most of all I am terrified they will find out what a fraud I am. Thankfully, no one reads this blog. 

Tears for Fears

Can I just cry? Yell a little? Whine a lot? Be mad for a while and not have anyone either try to fix it or feel bad because they think it's their fault?

No?

:: sigh :: that's what I thought.

Between the kids being sick this weekend and today, my moon being particularly hateful right now, my husband being in pain and out of his RA meds, our not having any health insurance with which acquire more, our both currently being unemployed and therefore low on cash, my oldest child needing surgery-- and the drama surrounding getting that scheduled, my psychology midterm today.......

I am a raving bitch.

I hate the world today. I am really struggling to see the good. I know it's there, but part of my mental health issues is struggling to see the good through the haze of perception. Right now I do not have any rose tint to my glasses. Just filth.

In which I shall wear a dress

I have decided to set a few goals for myself for this summer.

I have long term goals:

Raise great kids so they contribute to the world being a better place.
Buy a home.
Plant a garden and eat fresh food from same garden.

I have shorter term goals:

Get accepted into the Medical Assistant program at the local community college. (An actual career, instead of customer service, in order to help meet a couple of the previously mentioned goals.)
Get health insurance again for hubby and me.

Today, however, I decided I needed to set some even shorter term goals. Not so short term as to be labeled a 'to do list' but maybe... Summer Goals.

So, here goes:

Take the family horseback riding.
Take the family camping.
Wear a sundress.

That last one kind of bugs me a bit. I used to wear dresses all the time. Sundresses  house dresses, tailored work type dresses. Broomstick skirts and peasant blouses. All the time. I only rarely wore jeans.

Now? Now I wear jeans all the time. I have come to realize that I hate my body and wear clothes to cover it up and be comfortable. I have decided to stop saying "I'll wear a sundress when I get down to size _____." Or "I don't wear shorts at this weight."

It's my body. It's the only one I've got. It's entirely possible it's the only one I'm going to ever have, and as such I need to treat it that way. It is a glorious body. 10 working fingers, 10 working toes. 2 brown eyes that crinkle up at the corners when I really smile. Breasts that nourished 3 children for a total of more than 2 years. Hips that are wide from carrying them for 9 months each (and a few other reasons, but none that are relevant!) Arms that are strong and give great hugs! Shoulders that are soft and warm to cry on or lean on as needed. Soft lips for kissing or being kissed. Sturdy legs that hold me up and get me where I need to go.

So what if my ankles are not matchsticks that would crumple under the weight of all of this awesomeness? So what if my belly is big? So what if I make someone else uncomfortable? I was uncomfortable first, and I am tired of it. I am tired of hating my body. I am tired of being uncomfortable with mirrors. I am tired of being uncomfortable in my own skin. I am tired of not wearing cute clothes because I am uncomfortable with exposing my flesh. My generous, one of a kind, lovely body deserves to be loved. And more than anything I can think of, I deserve to love my body.

Therefore: I shall wear a sundress!

Caffeine!

Caffeine and I go waaaaay back. My senior year of high school my favorite breakfast was a Watchamacalit candy bar and either a Jolt cola if I could get it, or a Mountain Dew, which was easier to come by. This morning I stopped at Dutch Brothers on my way home from dropping my 15 year old off at her zero hour class. Well. Not so much 'on the way home'. It really was a premeditated detour! I think they gave me a double shot, which is more coffee than I normally get, but the point is: I feel like I can do almost anything.

I could fly a jet plane with all the energy I have right now! Crap, I could fuel a jet plane with all the energy I have right now! And hubby won't get up, he wants to "sleep in". UGH. Soooooooooo....... here I am. I have taken my test, done my homework, gotten the kids up and out. I suppose I could cook breakfast.... or work on my quiz for my other class....

or I could go sit on his chest till he gets up! I like that one!!