In which I am not having a stroke

So, with everything that is going on with work, I am a bit depressed. I am also pretty stressed out, which has the obnoxious 'downward spiral' quality to it. As in: I am stressed out, so I get tongue tied, which stresses me out..... I am starting to feel like I sound like a stroke patient. I will start a sentence, get the words out of order, realize I have the words out of order, and try to fix it, which just makes it worse; or-- my personal favorite start one word, and finish another. For example the sentence: I'm sending you a link to print a return mailing label, comes out: I'm sending you a prink to lint a label....

I feel invisible unless I am making a fool of myself.

And then when my husband and family DO notice I am here, I instantly regret it.

Poor guys, they can't win for losing with me these days. It's never enough, or its waaaaaaaaay too much.

I give. I'm done. I am going to bed.

Why do we beat ourselves up the way we do? Why punish ourselves for being human? I am sitting here wasting time on the internet, when I could be sleeping or talking to my hubby. Is there something pressing I am looking at or for? No. Just putzing around on the internet. I had intended to look at FaceSpace for a few, respond to a message or two, and then work on the outline of a story I'd like to work on. But the truth is that I am too tired, so I sit here, feeling guilty about not writing, not sleeping, not talking, and look at nonsense on the internet.

I have about 100 things that need doing: chores around the house and what not, we have company coming tomorrow. But instead of doing, or sleeping so I can do in the morning, I am looking at pictures of Dr Who and kittens.

Ugh.

Bed time for me. Wish I knew why I do this to myself.

Good Intentions

I took today off with the intention of pampering myself a bit. Doing things like take a nap, get some writing done, a little reading, finishing up the last square of The Baby's birthday blanket, things like that. Also, the kids and I all went to see the eye doctor at dawn thirty this morning (new glasses for everyone! Hooray for insurance!) and I knew I was going to be tired today. Figured that might make the work day harder than absolutely necessary. I have the time off to take, so I took it.

Now it looks like I will be cleaning house instead. Also good to get done, but not nearly as 'pampering' as I had in mind! Maybe I will do it all in increments.....

We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, I will probably spend hours on the internet looking at ideas for Dalek cupcakes for Sissy's birthday party! (We may-- possibly-- have a small Dr Who obsession amongst us girls.)

Let's try this again, shall we?

I am struggling at work, and need a new creative outlet, so here goes. I make no promises-- to myself or anyone who may possibly stumble by and read-- about how often I intend to make entries here.

Conversation I had with Hubby this morning, after I got 6 hours of sleep, and have been up for more than 2, and he is still in bed:

me: Time off in my time bank at work is a dangerous thing.
Hubs: I bet
me: All I want is to climb into that warm bed with you, and not move for the rest of the day.
Hubs: I'm sorry
me: that would be rather irresponsible of me, wouldn't it?
Hubs: ... yeah, kinda.
me: .... and that's a bad thing, right?
Hubs: YES!
me: .... sigh......


Sadly, I am still trying to talk myself in to going to work today. I have the time off, so it's not like I will be penalized for taking it. I just won't have it to use later. If I use it all up right now, on the assumption that there won't be a 'later' to use it, it becomes self-fulfilling prophecy, and there really won't be a 'later' to use it, and I will have no one but myself to blame. At the same time, what if there really isn't a later, and I didn't use it, and I lose it?

In other news: I have finished a crocheted scarf for my sister, other than weaving in the ends, and intend to get it mailed out by this weekend. I am down to the last 6 squares of a granny square blanket for The Baby, which feels like almost done, but really really isn't. I still have to sew it all together, then crochet the border, and since it's really to big to take to work with me, it will be slower going than the squares.

Wish me luck, I think I've talked myself in to go to work. Now I just need to find some yarn to take with me...