Another day dawns gray and cold. I smile and hug my loved ones goodbye, impatient for them to be gone so I can stop pretending. They don't deserve a wife and mother who is incapable of loving them, so I do my best to smile and hug ("don't over-act, they'll see through that!" shouts my inner director) and encourage them to "have a great day!"
My husband, bless him, knows I am not doing well right now, but he doesn't press, just looks at me with worried eyes. I have nothing to say to alleviate those worries other than the cliche "it's not you, it's me" which he has heard about a billion times before, so I don't say anything. Just smile and say good bye. He has his own worries right now, and I know my 'issues' right now are simply adding to his stress. I cannot turn off my bi-bolar with a switch because my having an 'episode' right now is inconvenient, and poor timing for him.
If I could, I would shut it off, and never look back. I think he knows that. I know he doesn't really understand, but he does love me and tries to, which is clearly more than I have earned at this point in the day.
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