Reflections are deceiving

So... the title of this blog was a bit more literal than my conscious self realized. My subconscious knew, but didn't tell me. Ah well, that seems to have happened quite a bit in my life: me not listening to my higher self.

Let me explain.... no, that would take too long. Let me sum up (to paraphrase a great movie!): I have not actually looked in the mirror and consistently seen "Myself" in.... a very many years. Sure, I've looked in the mirror. Daily even. Sometimes more than once a day. I look in the mirror to check and see if there are visible stains on my shirt; food in my teeth; errant face lotion that needs to be rubbed in better; to apply make up about 4 times a year; to check for defects of one variety or another. (Zits. Or, my fav: What the hell is that hair doing growing THERE!?!?! Did it not get the memo?? I am a GIRL! My personal welcome to Peri-Menopause. Yay.) In a dressing room to see just exactly how bad these jeans/outfit/swimsuit/insert-clothing-item-here makes me look.

But to look at my reflection for the purpose of looking at my reflection? Nah. Not often. When I do, I see other peoples idea's of me. Or--- what I think other people think when they look at me. Maybe not even based in reality.

My idea of what I look like is not based on what I look like but on my internal image of myself. You know that Star Wars movie poster of Princess Leia and Jabba the Hut? Well, sometimes, when I am feeling pretty good about myself, I think I look like the princess, only maybe 30-40 pounds heavier. Sometimes I think I look like Jabba the Hut. At the gym, taking a class for the first time, I looked around the room, spotted a few other ladies who were a bit heavier than the others, and I thought "Cool! This class has a broad sampling of the human form, including folks who look like me!"

And then I looked in the wall to wall mirror and actually SAW myself standing next to one of those 'heavier gals'. I was wrong. There were no women in that class that looked like me. I looked like Gilbert Grapes mother, and they looked like Sara Ramirez, or Sara Rue before weight watchers.

I am aware that I weigh about the same as a baby elephant 259 pounds. But what does that mean? Do I resemble the princess or the slug? I have no idea.

I do know this: I intend to figure it out. And either way, I will work to be ok with it. Not: Ok, let's change it. But: I am ok with my appearance. Regardless.